I’m not sure what is going on today. I just feel off. Do you ever have those days? Where everything either drives you crazy or you just want to go back to your room and hide the rest of the day in hoping that tomorrow will be better.

I named this blog all things elle for a reason. You get the good, bad and sometimes ugly.

This vacation has been filled with a ton of family events, parties with said family, Aces baseball games and a lot of contemplation and introspection. Today is one of those days that I don’t want to do any introspection as I fear that I might find something that I don’t want to deal with at this time. And with that being said here come the waterworks.

I tend to be one of those people that holds their emotions in until they break me; like a volcano they build up pressure until that pressure cannot be contained by the hardened Earth around it and it explodes hurting everything and demolishing anything in it’s path. I really try hard not to let it get to the point where it affects those around me but on the rare occasion it does and I have to then seek forgiveness from those people that it hurt. For the most part, when I do feel like I’m going to emotionally explode, I remove myself from situations and take time alone to process what is causing it or why I cam feeling this way.

Today I am back in my oasis, praying that God will help me sort through the feelings that I am going through.

I am going to tell you something that people who know  me already know but to get it down on paper helps and it gets easier and a little less crushing each time I talk about it.

Being a Public Safety Dispatcher I handle emergencies everyday. Mostly it is the public people calling 911 to get help for what could possibly be the worst day of their lives. We do get the occasional officer requesting backup over the radio. What I am going to tell you about is when one of my officers needed help but couldn’t call out for it so a citizen did.

March 12, 2016 will forever be engraved in my mind. There was a snow storm in our area, people crashing their cars left and right. This particular officer was out of his vehicle trying to get a vehicle that spun out on its way. This is when his, his family’s, my other officer’s and my lives were changed. A citizen got on the radio and advised that there was an officer that was hit by a vehicle. Immediately I started checking officer’s status’, all answered back except for one. We started officers, medics and surrounding agencies officers to the area attempting to locate him. He had been hit by a vehicle traveling to fast for conditions. The officers and medics were able to get him awake and breathing and transport him to the nearest trauma center. But in the following 24 hours he took a turn for the worst and never recovered. The days that followed are a bit of a blur. I questioned if I as a dispatcher did everything that I was capable of. Could I have done more? What was he doing out of his car in that weather? Did I have what it took to return? Was this the end for me?

I was off work the following week to give me time to process. I thought long and hard questioning why things happened, wondering if I would go back, but then I thought about the other officers that also rely on my when I am on the radio. I knew at that moment I would push through any issues and continue my career.

I have pushed passed many of the feelings that I had but I don’t know if I have really faced them head on. It has been a year and almost 3 months since this all happened. I am still affected by it. The days get easier, I think of that day less than I used to but occasionally it jumps up out of no where and smacks me and I feel like I am back sitting in that waiting room hearing, “We lost a good one” for the first time again.

In the healing process, I have turned to people for comfort, but I have also turned to something that was “always there for me”…… food. I have gained weight back that I thought I had lost for good. Not feeling good about my body, my appearance, and just me in general does not help when I get in this funk. But, I will continue to work on me. because like I said the other day…. I can’t help my family or anyone else until I help me.

For now, grief and dealing with it in a non-destructive manner is what I’m working through. I’m sure other things will raise their ugly heads as I am working on me and working through my demons. I am not going to stay where I am. I can be a better version of me. I will strive to heal and move on. Not forgetting what I have been through because that has made me who I am today, but pushing forward, being stronger because of the things I have gone through.