Took a Drive

After my last blog writing session I decided I needed to get out of the house and clear my head. Best way to do that? Drive up the curviest road in the area and head into Virginia City. Now usually I don’t go all the way up to this quaint small town, but that day I wasn’t done driving once I got to my normal turn around spot.

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It was  a little hazy on looking across the valley from Geiger Grade. I usually try to do this drive in my littler car but it was under the weather and so my jeep did the trek with me. Not as fun going around those corners so slowly but still good enough to clear my head and just drive.

Once I got up to Virginia City, I drove around town for a bit and only stopped once for this set of pictures.

This is the courthouse. Notice anything different about their Justice? She isn’t blinded with a handkerchief. I don’t know why but I have always liked this about her.

Continuing on my journey. I drove around some more but then my husband text me to run an errand. So, I headed back down the hill….. well, I stopped at the outskirts of town because there was a few pictures that I wanted to get of town from the top of a hillside right at the town limits.

I pulled into the large dirt turnout, grabbed my camera and realized that the hill was steeper then I had first thought. Oh yeah, I was also in flip flops…. What kind of photographer would I be if I didn’t at least try to hike up the vertical wall in front of me? So off I went, slipping and sliding, trying will all my might trying not to slide back down to the bottom. Just so you know, sage brush is very strong and will help you traverse the rocky terrain of Northern Nevada. I struggled my way to the top and started snapping photos.

After I took these I started looking around trying to figure out how I was going to get back down and then I saw the gate…… there was a road/trail that had a nice sloping way up from the dirt lot I parked in. But on that gate I could see the back of a sign. Yup you guessed it. A NO TRESPASSING sign. o_O Uh oh…..

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I hightailed it back to the correct side of the gate to confirm my intuition… yep, not only one but two signs stated the not so obvious while climbing the hill. In all honesty, there was no sign at the bottom of the hill… well there are two (that you can see from the picture) but none of them said NO TRESPASSING. Now that I was on the correct side I thought it a bit humorous so I took this.

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Oops!

I meandered my way back down the nice slope of a road no longer trespassing. Took a couple more photos and then headed back home.

This type of drive was exactly what I needed to clear my head and face the feelings that were forcing their way to the surface. I will end here with a couple of the last photos I took. I’m ok and I’m getting better. I’m just glad I listen and know what to do when I have those “off” days.

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I’m not sure what is going on today. I just feel off. Do you ever have those days? Where everything either drives you crazy or you just want to go back to your room and hide the rest of the day in hoping that tomorrow will be better.

I named this blog all things elle for a reason. You get the good, bad and sometimes ugly.

This vacation has been filled with a ton of family events, parties with said family, Aces baseball games and a lot of contemplation and introspection. Today is one of those days that I don’t want to do any introspection as I fear that I might find something that I don’t want to deal with at this time. And with that being said here come the waterworks.

I tend to be one of those people that holds their emotions in until they break me; like a volcano they build up pressure until that pressure cannot be contained by the hardened Earth around it and it explodes hurting everything and demolishing anything in it’s path. I really try hard not to let it get to the point where it affects those around me but on the rare occasion it does and I have to then seek forgiveness from those people that it hurt. For the most part, when I do feel like I’m going to emotionally explode, I remove myself from situations and take time alone to process what is causing it or why I cam feeling this way.

Today I am back in my oasis, praying that God will help me sort through the feelings that I am going through.

I am going to tell you something that people who know  me already know but to get it down on paper helps and it gets easier and a little less crushing each time I talk about it.

Being a Public Safety Dispatcher I handle emergencies everyday. Mostly it is the public people calling 911 to get help for what could possibly be the worst day of their lives. We do get the occasional officer requesting backup over the radio. What I am going to tell you about is when one of my officers needed help but couldn’t call out for it so a citizen did.

March 12, 2016 will forever be engraved in my mind. There was a snow storm in our area, people crashing their cars left and right. This particular officer was out of his vehicle trying to get a vehicle that spun out on its way. This is when his, his family’s, my other officer’s and my lives were changed. A citizen got on the radio and advised that there was an officer that was hit by a vehicle. Immediately I started checking officer’s status’, all answered back except for one. We started officers, medics and surrounding agencies officers to the area attempting to locate him. He had been hit by a vehicle traveling to fast for conditions. The officers and medics were able to get him awake and breathing and transport him to the nearest trauma center. But in the following 24 hours he took a turn for the worst and never recovered. The days that followed are a bit of a blur. I questioned if I as a dispatcher did everything that I was capable of. Could I have done more? What was he doing out of his car in that weather? Did I have what it took to return? Was this the end for me?

I was off work the following week to give me time to process. I thought long and hard questioning why things happened, wondering if I would go back, but then I thought about the other officers that also rely on my when I am on the radio. I knew at that moment I would push through any issues and continue my career.

I have pushed passed many of the feelings that I had but I don’t know if I have really faced them head on. It has been a year and almost 3 months since this all happened. I am still affected by it. The days get easier, I think of that day less than I used to but occasionally it jumps up out of no where and smacks me and I feel like I am back sitting in that waiting room hearing, “We lost a good one” for the first time again.

In the healing process, I have turned to people for comfort, but I have also turned to something that was “always there for me”…… food. I have gained weight back that I thought I had lost for good. Not feeling good about my body, my appearance, and just me in general does not help when I get in this funk. But, I will continue to work on me. because like I said the other day…. I can’t help my family or anyone else until I help me.

For now, grief and dealing with it in a non-destructive manner is what I’m working through. I’m sure other things will raise their ugly heads as I am working on me and working through my demons. I am not going to stay where I am. I can be a better version of me. I will strive to heal and move on. Not forgetting what I have been through because that has made me who I am today, but pushing forward, being stronger because of the things I have gone through.